Patrick Bateman

There is a Seiko 5 - the SNXJ90 - that I acquired at some point, I no longer remember exactly when, at a price I refuse to disclose. It is thirty-seven millimeters. It has a day and a date. The movement is a 7S26, which cannot be hand-wound and does not hack, and yet it has never once stopped. I do not wear it to Dorsia, obviously. I do not wear it to Nell's. I wear it on the mornings when I return to the apartment early and need to check the time before making tea. Reese does not know that I own this watch. I intend to keep it that way. Ignore this review. I do not own this watch.

A dive watch with diamonds set around the bezel. I want to be clear: I am not opposed to diamonds. I am not opposed to dive watches. I am opposed to the combination. The diamonds are for a wife, a mistress, or possibly a chandelier. They are not for a dive watch. This is a category error. The watch is trying to be two things simultaneously and, in the attempt, becomes neither. I would return it. I would return it publicly.

The Casio F-91W is worn by men who have accepted certain things about their lives. I have not accepted those things and I never will. The watch itself is competent - it tells time - but competence is a very low bar. Van Patten wore one ironically at a lunch last week. It was not clear whether he understood that the irony was in fact reality.

The Hublot. The Classic Fusion. Titanium and rubber. I do not understand this watch. Its wearer is announcing - loudly - 'I have money, but I could not decide what to spend it on, and someone in a boutique convinced me this was correct.' A man with a Rolex Submariner does not need to explain himself. The Hublot man is always explaining himself. I have seen a Hublot at a table at Nell's. That table had two bottles of Cristal on it. I judged the situation immediately.

The Submariner 5512. Crown guards. COSC certification - a small line of text at the six o'clock position that separates men who know what COSC means from men who do not. There is a hierarchy in vintage Submariners; the 5512 sits second only to the 5513, and only for reasons that are, honestly, about scarcity rather than merit.

The Panthère de Cartier. Linked bracelet. Feminine? Perhaps. Elegant? Undeniably. I bought two of these to give as gifts to Evelyn - one in yellow gold, one in stainless steel. She could not tell them apart. She wore the steel to a dinner where the yellow gold would have been correct. This has become a defining fact about her.